How to Host a Virtual Seder

in judaism, the preservation of human life is more important, more crucial, and more powerful than any other mitzvot or commandment. this concept of pikuach nefesh literally translates to “saving a life,” and its message couldn’t be clearer: to save one life is to save the whole world.

if you’ve landed on this page, odds are you’re considering the possibility of hosting a virtual seder, or wondering whether you should attend one. here’s my answer: YES! yes, you should. actually, scratch that: you must. let’s put it this way: seders this year are going to be virtual; whether or not you participate is the only thing up for debate. we’re all doing our part to keep our friends, relatives, and neighbors safe, and eschewing our normal passover plans is simply part of that necessary effort.

but—as pikuach nefesh reminds us—that doesn’t have to be such a downer. and what’s more, my aim in sharing the resources below isn’t to prove that said virtual seder can be “tolerable” or “do-able.” it’s to show you that this year’s plans could be just as lively, vibrant, and meaningful as the ones of years past. in fact, with the deliberate accommodations we’ll have to make for the distance between us, it’s very possible that your 2020/5780 seder could end up being even more enriching, even more interesting and special than any other in recent memory. instead of diminishing the beauty of the holiday, these challenges might accentuate it, reminding us that the most beautiful, special things are worth fighting for.

you can read more on the “next year in person” campaign over here, and find even more virtual seder resources here.

meanwhile, below, i’ve compiled everything you’ll need to know about actually hosting your own virtual seder, from tips on tech providers to thoughts on sprucing things up with simple DIYs and small-batch recipes. i hope this page proves helpful to you in the days ahead. if you do end up hosting or attending one of these digital seders, be sure to tag me or #nextyearinperson in any resulting social posts so i can pop over and say hi!

chag sameach, and stay safe.

1. start by shifting your mindset.

it’s natural to feel disappointed, sad, or even heartbroken at the prospect of not being able to gather with your family this year. obviously, these circumstances aren’t ideal, and you can’t be expected to rejoice at the idea of staring at your parents or grandparents through a screen on april 8.

but what you can do is shift your focus from the things you’ll be losing to the things you’re gaining. for this one year, try your best to think generatively, additively, and positively about the situation…if not for you, do it for your family members and friends who might also be sad about the idea of messing with the tried-and-true traditions of their favorite holidays.

some questions you might want to ask yourself:

• what might be even better about this year’s seder? (my answer: the chance to celebrate with my entire family, even the relatives who live out-of-state and don’t normally join us for seder.)
• what might be even more memorable about this year’s seder? (my answer: the whole thing! how could we ever forget a passover in quarantine? these memories will quite literally last a lifetime—and then some.)
• what can you experience this year that you might never have had a chance to previously? (my answer: although i wish i could be making all of my family’s go-to recipes with my dad by my side like always, this year offers me the opportunity to write down and really codify those recipes, and to start getting a feel for making them myself (charoset, homemade maror, etc.). this is a wonderful thing to have some practice with, of course, because one day in the not-too-distant future, i’ll want to prepare those very same recipes with my own children.)

2. select a video conferencing platform & set up the actual event.

i recommend zoom because in my opinion, it’s the most universally accessible and it’s also reliable for larger groups. but—depending on how many people you’re hoping to host—you could also host your virtual seder on facetime (con of this choice is that all guests will have to have an apple device), facebook messenger (maybe via a portal!), skype, or whatever other video conferencing platform you like.

once you’ve selected a provider, sign up for an account, and then go ahead and set up the event. you can do this on zoom by navigating to “HOST A MEETING” and selecting “WITH VIDEO ON.” no need to invite anyone just yet, but what you can do at this point is fill out all of the details of your event to create a placeholder of sorts. then, save the resulting zoom link somewhere you’ll be able to easily find it—later, you can include it in the invitation to your seder (we’ll get there!).

quick note here: you may want to pay for an upgraded account to allow the “meeting” to last past 40 minutes and to include more guests—but that’s up to you. a pro account is only $15 per month, and you can sign up for just the month of april if you’d like. (no, i’m not being paid to say this; it’s just what i ended up choosing to do last week when i began prepping for my own seder.)

3. get everyone on the same page (!) with a digital haggadah.

yes, it’d be nice if we could all find copies of the dusty, musty haggadot we’re used to reading each year, but that’s just not possible in the virtual world. the next best thing? a digital haggadah! find my recommendations here, then include a link to the one you’ve chosen to use in your seder invite so that your guests come prepared with everything they’ll need (more info in the next step).

alternatively, you could copy and paste pieces of the seder service over to a shared google doc that everyone can view, but remember: that’s a pretty time-intensive option. haggadot are not light reading.

if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, and you happen to have enough on hand, you could always send the dusty, musty version out to family and friends in advance of the seder. but some people aren’t so into snail mail right now, and shipping beloved family heirlooms may not be the best idea anyway.

4. send invites!

no, it’s not traditional to send out invitations to a family seder. in fact, i’ve never heard of anyone doing that—ever. have you?

but these are different times. in my opinion, invites are all but required for virtual seders—at least if you’re hosting a big crowd. they serve two very important purposes: one, they lend your digital gathering a celebratory, festive vibe, reminding friends and relatives to get excited about what’s to come. and two, on the practical side of things, they make it possible to consolidate all of the important information in one place. a link to the zoom video conference, a link to the digital haggadah, the time of the event, and whatever else you’d like to include can all be found within that same invite.

i’ve got you covered with several free-to-download “next year in person” invites right here.

5. make it interactive by assigning responsibilities to different guests.

the best way to get friends and relatives interested in partaking in a less-than-ideal, nobody-asked-for-this scenario is to give them some control. hopefully, with the added responsibility of their new “role” or assignment, they’ll start getting excited about the seder—and at the very least they’ll be a little more willing to actually attend.

some ideas: maybe one person is in charge of food, and he or she can reach out to guests in advance to help them figure out what to make for the seder depending on what ingredients are available to them. maybe another can lead all things music-related—can he or she sing songs, strum a guitar, or play piano for this or that song? maybe this or that uncle or aunt will figure out how to digitally “hide an afikomen” for the younger set (a guessing game, a word search challenge, a round of trivia…). the options end only when your creativity does.

other tips and ideas:

• ask each family group or guest to “sign on” by saying hello to the group, introducing themselves (if necessary!), and maybe even asking a question. passover, after all, is all about questions.
• ask each family to light the candles with you at the beginning of the seder.
• ask participants to mute themselves when they’re not speaking. (on zoom, you can “push to talk” using the spacebar.)
• continue asking questions as the seder goes on. you can pepper them throughout whatever haggadah you’re using.

and this last one’s a little more serious: i highly recommend *not* sharing your zoom link in a public or even semi-public forum. no instagram stories, facebook statuses, tweets, etc. unfortunately, as much as we’d like to invite alllllll of our friends and families to join our seders, and as much as we can value the spirit of inclusion…we know that not everyone out there has the best of intentions. you really don’t want anyone unexpected barging in on the night(s)-of.

ok. now back to the fun:

7. when it comes to ritual objects, symbolic foods, and other tangible tabletop stuff, try to find or DIY just the essentials. then forget about it.

“do the absolute bare minimum” is not advice i have been known to dole out, but…i’m doling it out all over the place these days. safety has to come first. that means you shouldn’t rush out to the supermarket looking for a shank bone two days before your seder. (reminder: you really shouldn’t be going out at all.)

this is where the DIY thing comes in handy! you can make your own seder plate, cobble together said shank bone with a paper bag, and so on. even if you’re not the crafty type, you’ll generally just want to make do with what’s already in your own home.

in case it’s helpful, here’s a list of the essentials that you might consider safely sourcing and/or attempting to create or make yourself:

• matzah. assuming you can get it safely or already have some, you’ll want three pieces per seder plate + one piece per guest.
• a seder plate. don’t have one? make your own!
• a matzah cover / affikoman bag. yes, a paper towel works just fine. work with what you’ve got.
• wine and/or grape juice. if you’ve already got some in your home. enough for four cups per person, plus some for elijah’s cup.
• speaking of elijah’s cup…elijah’s cup! (any extra cup will do.)
• maror (bitter herbs). prepared red or white horseradish or hand-grated fresh horseradish.
• hazeret (“the other” bitter herb). romaine lettuce works fine. my family uses parsley—the same thing we use for karpas.
• charoset. here’s my family’s recipe. four ingredients. nothing fancy.
• zeroah (roasted shank bone). no way i’ll be able to get my hands on one this year, so i made one out of paper instead.
• beitza (hard-boiled egg). easy enough!
• karpas (vegetable; usually parsley or celery). one sprig per person.
• salt water for dipping karpas. throw it in a small bowl.
• holiday candles. at least two! or make them out of paper too.

8. don’t worry about it being perfect.

the only thing to be afraid of is that it won’t be.

…HA okay i totally stole that line from a sondheim musical (if you knew which one before clicking that link, we should be friends). but the sentiment behind it is very genuine. promise.

because even if you can’t find a seder plate or a bitter herb or a single box of matzah, there are still so many marvelous, beautiful things that can come of your socially-distanced seder. maybe you’ll forge deeper bonds with family members you don’t see very often, and maybe you’ll dream up new, hilarious, profound traditions that you’ll want to return to next year and the year after that.

after all, the trickier the logistics of this “passover apart,” the more meaningful our attempt to host it at all. right?

RIGHT.

so here’s to life, and to saving lives. l’chaim.