Switching gears a little today. I included this in the latter half of my recent newsletter and it resonated with a lot of you, so I thought I’d share it here as well.
First of all, I want you to know I’m with you on the sad-and-overwhelmed-during-the-holidays thing. Truly, I get it. Alongside the beautiful decorations and set tables, there is, inevitably, a sense of underlying sadness around the holidays—and I’m pretty sure that’s true no matter who you’re with, or what plans you’ve made, or how your life’s going.
I think this is because holidays (and birthdays and anniversaries and many other milestones) come with a set of expectations that simply can’t be met *on demand.* We circle a semi-arbitrary date on the calendar and expect to feel complete, boundless joy as that date approaches—because we think that’s what everyone else is feeling.
But that’s impossible. We can’t schedule emotions. I mean, we might wake up feeling joyful. And we also might not.
Then, of course, there’s the matter of processing these confusing feelings during a global pandemic, when so many have lost loved ones or simply won’t be able to be with their families and the world is generally just a mess of dashed hopes and cancelled plans. And suddenly that familiar “expectation-reality-disappointment” cycle feels even crueler and even more perplexing.
Unfortunately, simply “adjusting your expectations” doesn’t work so well when the entire world is asking you to…expect. And you know what? There’s really nothing wrong with expecting a little joy out of life. It’s actually kind of nice to live that way.
Instead, I think we should shift the focus away from running from “bad feelings” (for lack of a better, more appropriate, and less negative term) and instead think about simply allowing those less-joyful emotions to coexist with our happier moments. That’s what living a beautiful life means to me. It means making room for all of life’s beautiful feelings: life’s joy, but also life’s pain, life’s heartache, and the general, muddy ache of all those in-between emotions for which there are no names. There’s no need to push any of it aside.
Side note: I’m really proud of the work I do and the beauty I share with you here. I’m not here to disavow any of that. In fact, I think it’s a big mistake when people believe they need to eschew beauty and joy to showcase the harsher realities of life, or vice versa. This—all of this pretty, glittery stuff—is absolutely part of my “real, raw” life, whatever that means. So is my stress and my disappointment and my anxiety. It’s all real. It all serves a purpose.
Instead, I’m here to remind you that it’s entirely possible to fill your home with decorations and glittery crafts and ridiculous amounts of food…and to take time to feel what you’re feeling, be it grief, sadness, loneliness, heartache, or some cloudy mixture of all of the above. You don’t need to push aside the pain. You don’t need to “avoid” parts of your psyche. It’s uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s really uncomfortable, but it’s normal, and you’re feeling it for a reason.
Alright. I could go on and on (and I want to hear your thoughts on this topic too!) but I’ll stop there for now. I’ve included some readings and videos below that elaborate on the above and which you might find helpful.
Sending you love and clarity, this month and always.
How to Navigate the Holidays During a Pandemic by Sheryl Paul
Rabbi Steve Leder on finding holiday joy amid grief on The Today Show
How to Celebrate the Holidays in the Midst of Grief by Marisa Renée Lee
Holiday Pain and Gratitude by Sheryl Paul
It Is Alright to be Sad During the Holidays by Judith J. Wurtman Ph.D.